Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Jesus Take the Wheel

So give me one more chance. Save me from this road I'm on. Jesus, take the wheel. - Jesus Take the Wheel sung by Carrie Underwood.

I wish I had really understood what that meant years ago when I had truly lost my way. I wish I would of truly found god's way. But god tests us everyday and I think I needed to go through the things I had gone through to make me the person I am today. I have experienced so many things throughout the years I've been a live and some people may not know every thing that I've been through so you can judge me if you wish but I will not judge you. It's not my place. It's gods.

A long time ago I had fallen into drugs and alcohol it's times I am not proud of at all. I wish I had never been through those stages of sorrow and been through the pain that had caused me. But I experienced it. It's made me a tougher person. I have been in love exactly two times in my life. I am so glad that I was able to experience these feelings with two wonderful men and I got to marry the guy of my dreams. Love though can be very destructive and hurtful. If you want to harm the person or do anything in your power to get their attention no matter what the circumstances are that is not a good love. If you have to do everything in your power just in the chance you might get their love. An inch of time with them than it's wrong. I've experienced both bad love and good love.

I had loved someone so much I would of done anything for this guy. I had for years sought the attention from him no matter what the form of it was. Negative or positive. Mostly negative is what I received. We dragged each other on. Hurt each other. Made each other wildly jealous. Ran to each other when no buddy else was there for us. I hurt this person a lot and he hurt me so much as well. I wish it would of worked out for the best but at the end of the day god's plan wasn't meant for us to be together. We clashed to much or loved each other so much we didn't want to change our ways. So stubborn to see what was in front of us. Never wanting to change who we were. And some people change but others do not. Some people are so set in their ways that you can't teach an old dog new tricks as they say.

Now with the love that I have with my husband it's so pure. There are times where we have had issues just like any couple and we had separated when Austin was born to work on our relationship. We had been stubborn and wanted things a certain way but we had to compromise to be able to do what was best for our family. What was best for our boys was us working through it  all because we love each other so much that it hurts thinking of being away from one another. It hurts me to think if there would be a day that I could not spend with my husband. I do not care if we are broke. If we are homeless or whatever the circumstances. If we are together as a family that's what matters to us. I have never loved someone so much in my life. He has accepted me with my flaws and for who I am. He has done everything in his power to make the kids and I happy. And never asked for anything in return (even though he has received so much from us!)

He is the kind of guy who constantly is asking me if I need something. Or buying me reeses because he knows they are my favorite and I would eat them all day if I could. He is always working for his family. Even though I went to school and got my degree and haven't been able to use it yet. And he has been working. We find time for each other. If it's only for 5 minutes like it's been than that's fine with us. We enjoy the moments together. DO not get me wrong we still get mad at one another. We go on lack of sleep most nights and we are only human by all means. Even though he is not becoming mormon he is supportive of my wishes and want the kids to get involved too. I wish one day he will find that the word of Christ is true and that he will follow me to the church as well but until that time comes I will pray.

So Jesus take the wheel and show me what is next for our family. I know I have sinned in my life but I know that God is a forgiving Father and with your guidance I will truly find the way that is meant for me.

1 comment:

  1. I know that the days of drug and alcohol were probably very dark days for you (my best friend is a recovering addict, 5 years sober), BUT they helped you to become the person you are today. You are a strong woman, and a very loving woman.

    I didn't know that your husband wasn't becoming Morman with you, but I think it's wonderful that he is supporting you in your spiritual quest, that is a sign of a good man. My husband and I do not have the same religious beliefs, but we each support the other in their decision.

    I hope you continue to be happy on the path that you are on Amber, you deserve it 8)