Saturday, April 7, 2012

Test of Faith

We all get tested throughout our life by god. Whether it be just the small things or the bigger things. The things that may make you think 'why me?'. I've been through this several times especially when it comes to my youngest Austin who suffers from Spastic Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy, Epilepsy, HIE, Lyringo Molasia, Tracia Molasia, and breathing issues. There is so much more but some of them are hard to list. Throughout his 17 months of being a live I have truly experienced tests of god. The lack of sleep, the choices we have to make daily and the news we receive. God chose us for some reason and I still sometimes wonder why he thought I was strong enough to be able to handle this child. This beautiful wonderful child. 

This little boy is the reason for everything I do every single day of my life. I know it sounds like it's only him I wake up for. Or I do not care about my other son. I do. Please do not think that I do not love my son Justin with all my heart. He is such a special little boy and so smart. He's to smart sometimes and always trying to do something. But Austin needs me more than anyone has ever needed me. He made me grow up more than I thought I would. I feel like an old woman sometimes. Each morning I wake up and think of what we got to do. There are things we can't do because Austin. How I would love to go sit in the sun for hours and just relax. But we can't because the heat gets to him. Or how I would love to go swim in the ocean with him. We can't do it because of the type of water could hurt his g tube. 

When I wake up I got to basically prepare myself for the worse of each day so if something was to happen than it's not that huge of a surprise. With him anything could happen and it's time to go to the hospital. I wouldn't ask for another life in a million years. When he smiles or he does something new or we figure out he can sit in a walker with barely any issue it's those days that I cherish more than anything. It might not be his first steps right now. He might behind a lot of my friends but at the end of the day those small moments people take for granted are the ones I live for. I live for this child to smile at me. The choice we make with his medical issues are the reason we were chosen. The things we've heard that put us on our knees praying to god to save our child. 

I remember when the doctor told me over the phone when we were visiting Austin in the NICU what was going on. They weren't 100% his diagnosis but 98% sure after the scans. I remember falling into my father's arms hearing this new. I had to tell the doctor to explain everything to my dad because I was so weak at that very moment. I felt like the world was ending but each and every day that I work with him I know it's only the beginning. Our job is to make him a happy baby. To keep him comfortable no matter how long he is on this earth. To love him more than anyone has loved anything in this world. To give him the time he deserves on this earth no matter how long that might be. 

I had a hard choice for the past 9+ months on a surgery that we've been hoping we never had to have to make him stop throwing up but ended up we are going to have it now. We got to go the 18th to get a scope done and than the 19th we take the surgeon about the surgery. So all in all we are going to do this. I pray every day that my little boy will be able to make it through another surgery. Another surgery that will make his life so much better at the end. He will be able to gain more weight and not be throwing up constantly. The doctors at children's hospital here in Columbus, Ohio are my best friends but my worst enemies. They've saved my son so many times but I feel like I'm so dependent on them. I do not want to be dependent on anyone but myself! 

But god knows that I am the mother for this child. The 3-4 hours of sleep at night. The constant people telling me this is how it's going to be. How my child will be. He won't walk, talk, crawl. But you know what? At the end of the day they might have a good education but they are not god. They are not the true guy I turn to when things are hard. Our lord is the one that I turn to more than anyone. He is the one person besides myself I can depend on. Because our Heavenly Father would not give us more than we could handle. He gave me this child because he loves me so much. He wanted me to know what true love was through my children. He wanted me to be able to take care of these kids and teach them that life is not what some may think it is but to think outside of the box when it comes to things. He gave Justin this amazing little brother to look at things differently. To be compassionate of others. To not allow people to look at you differently because you may be different than they. 

God placed Austin in our lives to open our eyes wide. Austin is the most precious baby that I have ever met. So sweet. So little. So fragile but so strong at the same time. He's my little super man. He is my prince charming. Justin and Austin have made me the mother I am today. I have learned so much from my parents throughout the years and so glad that they taught me so well because of them I am able to be here today as strong as I am.

Thank you for reading.


  1. I agree Chas! Beautiful post. Justin and Austin are both very lucky little boys. I hope the consultations and surgery go well, and that Austin recovers quickly!