Day 3

So we are still in the PICU and we are doing good. He had a bit of issues and started vest treatments which is something that goes around his body than shakes him a bit to make sure that he can get all that ickiness out of his lungs and helps with motlity as well. Anyways he's doing good and to be honest this is a short one because things are looking up. CPAP machine came off at 9pm or so and he's on room air:) Looks like the worse is over now but we shall see!

Day 2 - Scary!

Today we went to look at houses with my parents and when we were gone I got a scary call from the nurse saying that he had to be put on bypap again. He was on cpap which just was helping him a bit where bypap helps him breath and reminds him to do so. Well he got to the point on cpap where his oxygen was diving and they were going to put a breathing tube in but his throat was inflammed so that they weren't able to so put him in the bypap. They put him on 2 sedations as well to calm him down and an anti inflamatory medcation just in case. He's now on 32% oxygen which is kind of low but we had to up his oxygen because his saltation levels were doing bad.

Daddy came and visted so spent 3 hours hanging out with us. I had a hard time with the news we were given because my hopes was he'd be on room air today but with the chest cold, croup and a viral thing going on it's just hitting him really hard and looks like we might be in till Monday/Tuesday:( My poor little boy. Here are some pictures

Here is dad sleeping because Justin wore him out

Austin looking at his papa when he was upset:( He just wants his mask off and to be held of course!

365 days of blogging - Day 1

I've made a committment to try to update my blog once a day and I know there are going to be days that are harder than others to update. But this is something that I want to do because I know there are a lot of people even though they do not subscribe to the blog they actually follow it. Also this helps me kind of follow as well. Most will have pictures but not all of course.

We are in the PICU right now. Some story we came in about 5:30 pm yesterday night because he hadn't pooped in 6 days so we decided it was time since he was cranky for me and in a lot of discomfort even during PT with Amanda. So we went and they checked his pulse ox (checking his oxygen levels) and he was at 95% which is low. He has a chest cold but we did not see any pneumonia in his lungs but there is a chance now that he has aspirated from the amount of throwing up he's been doing. So we got admitted to regular ped's and we had a lot of issues into the night. We did a lot of breathing treatments (two different kinds) and pounded on his chest to break up the extra stuff. Eventually his oxygen level went down to 84% which is very very low for him and they had to put him on oxygen. After having troubles even on regular oxygen (they had it up pretty high) they called a code so PICU came and they said they needed him on positive air mask and put him on bpap/cpap. So here we are now we are going to be here to at least Sunday (hoping no longer than Sunday!) Alex took the day off and dad took a half day to take care of Justin. Justin firstly was at my mother in law's house. My brother in law was diagnosised with syringomyelria which means his spine is pulling on his brain which might cause him to be in a wheel chair eventually and need care. Looks like Austin MAY have a room mate when he's older. Austin's breathing is doing better but he's still struggling a lot and I think we will be in till Sunday. Here's some pictures.

First picture is half of his machines the other machine picture won't show up. Second picture is doaderm on his face to protect his skin since the mask has to be tight sometimes causes marks on his face. They don't want his skin to break down and the third one is his new mask. It's the third mask we tried for him. This is his first day in the PICU but he's been here since 5:30pm.

Our House!

We are getting a house, yes we are!

It's perfect and words cannot express how happy I am about this. We found this house in the Salem area (down the street from the school!). It is 1400 sq ft with a back yard, basement, front porch, back porch and a dining room. We move on September 1st into this house and I'm so excited about it.

We will rent it for 5 years and than we will buy it from the guy. So the money that we are putting into it goes towards the mortgage. Which is awesome so by the end it'll be a bit paid off and we can get a loan for the remaining amount of the house. I can't wait to be able to do what we want to a house and make it ours. It's 3 bedroom so when we decide to do foster care we will be able to do it. The boys will shack up together because the rooms are big enough as well. So here we are packing up again!

Thank you to those who have been so supportive.

What is a healthy marriage?

I am wondering what others would say to this. It's a big topic right now in my Love & Marriage group on Cafemom. I was inspired to write something about it from my own personal experience. As a moderator of the group I get to see everyone else experience's and get to relate, give advice and truly make a difference in peoples lives. That is what I truly think I was put on this earth to do.

There was a time where my relationship was not the best. We have had our ups and downs with the things we have been through. We have had a scary past 2 years with Austin that has challenged our marriage. There were times where I wanted to give up but knew that I loved my husband so much that I could never give up on that. He is my soul mate and I love him. There were times where we were screaming at each other out of anger and when we later realized how unhealthy it was for us we decided that we would be totally honest with each other. 

Alex is the one person who knows me better than anyone else. I'm able to share with him things that sometimes spouses do not share with each other. Some things that are very personal and I may not share with anyone else. To be able to be that HONEST and OPEN with someone takes a lot of trust. So trust is one of the biggest things to a healthy relationship. Open communication, even when it's hard to be able to tell the person how you feel. If your husband or wife is doing something that might be a tad bit annoying or something that you dislike, just tell them. If you do not tell them, guess what? You will get angry at yourself or them and that all builds up. I am not saying that I'm a relationship advice person but through trial in error in my own marriage we have figured out what would work. 

Take your time on things. This is not saying each task you can sit around and do nothing and at the last minute do it. Take your time when it comes to getting to know each other in a relationship. Whether this be a beginning or a relationship or a marriage. You learn so much about your spouse after you are a married. Things may not seem to change but they do, tremendously. You are not only thinking about yourself but the person that you are with. What use to be easy choices on your own may not be so easy any more. 

Sacrifice when you can for another. Sometimes there are certain situations where you have to choose one way or another. Will we go to this family picnic or will we go to the zoo? Make sure that you do the things that are right for your family not only yourself. Sometimes being in a relationship you got to be a little selfless. You got to think not only about your partner but if you have kids them as well. I know we have sacrificed so many date nights because we would rather stay home with the kids or it just didn't pan out. Sometimes we are to tired to do anything and would rather watch a kids movie with our little ones than go out together. 

My parents have always taught me that Family is #1. I would do anything for my family and give up anything that I can to help someone out in my family. Some people do not have these same values but I believe if do this you will always have someone behind you able to help you when you need it. You might fight of bicker with your partner but that should be behind closed doors. Or that's my opinion, you may have something else. Or if you are able to have a healthy discussion in front of your children that's fine as well. I'm not saying hide your adult conversations from your kids but if there is screaming than that is not good for children to see. 

I know the one time that I did this I felt so guilty and hurt that my child had to see me this way. Maybe I'm overreacting but I don't think that I am. I think there are some things that should be kept behind closed doors. Make sure you have time for each other. That is big. I know there are times where we won't go on date nights but we will sit next to each other and enjoy a video game together or something. I love cuddling with my husband and just talking. Text messages and Facebook messages through the day helps out a lot as well. 

Making sure you kiss each other good night and good morning helps a lot too. 

Nationwide Children's Hospital

So for a while now I have thought about trying to do something for Children's Hospital but I have never done an event like this. My hopes is that we will be able to do something AMAZING for the boys and girls in the hospital. During Christmas time they do awesome events so that they can give every children that is seen in there a toy for Christmas and there are always tons of people who donate than so I want to do something not around that time. Kind of get people a rest from donating so I am thinking of something in April or May. What I would love to do is every time we go into the hospital there is always someone giving your child a gift to kind of make the stay a bit more bearable. And I want to be able to give that to them. So take the list of things that we needed and have people either donate toys or donate money towards getting the toys and wagons that they need for these lovely children! 


I'm coming up with plans on things I can donate and people I can have get involved with this. Children's Hospital has done so much for me and I want to be able to make sure that I'm able to give back to them in every way possible. I know the journey I'm on is hard but it's worth it when you have safe like them to help us out on the road.

Medical Stuff with Austin

So update on Austin's medical issues:


For those who do not know, Austin has been diagnosed with Spastic Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy, HIE, Laryngomolacia, Tracheomalacia, high muscle tone, global delays, failure to thrive, G/J tube placement, Plyoric Stenosis, Complex Epilepsy (including Infantile Spasms), GERD and a few other medical issues. Sometimes typing them all up I always miss something.


With Austin's complex medical history there is always something that could come up along the way. Austin cannot take anything my mouth because he aspirates (could go down to his lungs) since he cannot protect his airway. So with him throwing up he can aspirate even more! So back on April 18th we went into a scope so we could do the surgery called a Nissen (to help with the throwing up!) and he came out of it with a temp of 104.5 and oxygen level of 85%. Even with all his medical issues he has ALWAYS been a 100% or 99% for oxygen level! 


I didn't get to see my son until 2.5 hours after they had promised. I was worried, confused, and sadden when they had told me. This was the second time he had a hard time coming off of anesthesia so it got me worried about him. I was in tears as they were running test after test on my poor little baby. We found out after getting admitted he had gotten pneumonia and RSV. Normally, if you have RSV it can cause pneumonia but after a lot of test they found out that it was bacterial pneumonia. SO he was put on antibiotics for that and of course had been on oxygen. He stayed in the hospital for 5 days. So with big aspirations it can cause pneumonia, it's part of his life we have to over come and keep trying to make him as healthy as we can. 


So we got a referral in the hospital for ENT (ear, nose, and throat doctor) to come visit. Things looked good on their part but on the Pulmonary aspect things didn't look so hot. Since he cannot protect his air way we have to talk with them to make sure that we do all we can to help with the small aspirations so perhaps we can prevent pneumonia as much as we can. So the pulmonary doctor asked about family history of breathing issues which was a laugh since we have family history of emphysema. 


So at the end she had decided on an steroid inhaler given, 2 puffs, twice a day for him. This will help protect his lungs and in the long term keep him out of the hospital. So let's help it works. On other news since he got out of the hospital April 22nd he had pooped 7/8 times in a month so we went into the hospital again for a 1 day stay. Which he was so backed up it was coming out of his g tube site.:( Poor guy! He can't win. SO now he's on medicine to make sure he stays regular. It's a pain in the butt to give to him but it's worth it. The clean up does suck though! So there is an update on Austin. We got more medical appointments coming up including physical medicine, neuro, and ophthalmology next week so THAT will be an interesting time that I will update you guys all up. Next week we are schedule for 7 appointments in 1 week so I'm not looking forward to it! 

Supermom

So as I was thinking about this post and sitting here typing I tend re-write something about a 100 times before I'm purely satisfied about what I had written. In these days I have people tell me all the time that they think that I do amazing from the updates that I put up on Facebook and how much they enjoyed reading them. Whether it be family, friends, people from Cafemom or church I'm glad I am able to share my families life with you guys.


I'm just a mom who is trying to do what is best for my family, isn't that what you are doing as well? All we do in life is making sure that we do what is best for our family and just make sure they are happy. As a mother and a wife I do this, every single day, and some days are harder than others. I'll admit with the average of 3 hours of sleep I get a night is hard to take. 6 days a week this is about my average and I know I need help. I'll be the first to admit that there is somethings I cannot do on my own. I've done my part to try to get our case for a nurse going but it seems like there are some more issues going on that I may realize. 


I know things are ran by the government and our insurance companies but there is only so much things one person can handle. This month is our busy month, with 14 appointments, 4 medicine pick ups, 1 formula pick up and 3 home visits. It's hard to do it all and run a business. But guess what? My husband and I are doing it. 


If you would like to judge me for asking for help, than that's fine! I've had a lot of people who have never been in my place try to judge me about the need for help with Austin. The last time my husband and I were out on our own together was November 2011. It's sad, but true. We had been trying to do it every month but with how things are going and us not being able to leave Austin it's not our fault. We have family who can help us and they do help us but for us taking care of our kids are number 1. Though me being around the kids 24/7 is hard, but I get to be the one to raise them, not have someone else raise them. Not come home tired from work and not being able to play with them (not saying this is everyone). I just remember when I was working, I'd come home and  be so tired I didn't want to do anything. I'd be grumpy. 


Now I get to spend all the time I can with my kids and be the best mother, home with them, and them enjoying me while they are out of school. 2013 will change things when they BOTH go to school. I'm excited, scared, and worried about it but that is because they've been with me.  I have NEVER been away from Austin more than 8 hours and that's when I was working outside of the house for a few months before they downgraded their staff. I couldn't imagine having someone else take care of him all the time. So I know even when we have a nurse come in (my cousin) it's going to be hard for me to adjust! I do need help. But I do not want someone else to do my job for me. I have hard enough time letting my husband take over.


Perhaps it's the control freak in me. 


That is all about this ramble, now to move onto others.

A smile is worth a million words

So the Friday after my baptism Astrid had came over to the house just to get to know me and also welcome me to the ward. I did not know that today was a miracle day as well. Since I have been in the church I have noticed so many different things happening. I am not saying that life is going to be easy now because it's not but there are so many blessings that I have received since I have joined the church and this one is the most important one of them all.On Friday April 27th 2012 Austin smiled for the first time when he was awake!

Here are Austin's beautiful smiles! He has lighten up my day so much since he started to smile. I think that Heavenly Father has truly blessed me with this. Some people might think it was just him being delayed but there were so many doctors who said he would never be able to do a lot of these things and by doing this he's proving them wrong. That they are not god. That even though they know a lot and got a good education. So here I am today saying that Heavenly Father is truly amazing. I devote my life and my families lives to him.

My baptism

So as most of you guys know I had decided to convert to the Church of Jesus Chris of Latter-day Saints and had made this commitment for a while after I found out that the church was true. I know a lot of people do not know much about the mormon church and believe we believe in multiple marriages, which is NOT true. To the church the one thing most sacred is marriage and even though it had been practice so many years ago they had decided to stop the practice.

I remember trying to leave the hospital when Austin was there and trying to make it. I had to stop by home and grab some clothes and than had to head to dublin. If you are from Ohio and know to go from Children's to Worthington area and than to dublin is a bit of a commute. On my way my tower blew! I was so upset and I was grateful that I had multiple pairs of clothes that day. For some reason I knew I had to pack extra clothes. (Perhaps a sign). There was so many things that stood in my way since I had made this choice. I know the day of Austin's scope was my interview date and since we went in and he was in the hospital we were unable to do it. So since we were going to be in another day the Elder's came to me. They were so committed to me as I was to Heavenly Father. I wanted nothing more to be able to be baptized. Than on Saturday, running late and making sure I got there on time.

I got there at the same time as Amy and Brian did and got to go and get changed. I truly got to be there and feel the spirit as I was there. Than Elder Hepworth baptized me. I remember that I kept saying 'Don't let me drown' I was scared to go into the water. I don't know why I was scared. I was so excited to get baptized do not get em wrong but for some reason I was nervous at the same time. But as soon as I was baptized I felt how this wonderful surge. It was so powerful! So welcoming. My sins were washed away that very moment and I knew that the steps I had made were perfect. I had felt so happy and at peace. I wanted to share my story with everyone around me.

I had truly found the church that was true. I believed every word of it. It made sense to me and there was nothing I could do to feel more right at home than where I was. I was surrounded by some amazing people! My friends who had been there through such like the Beth's and Nick. Than my new friends who were members of the church who were there for me. I can't believe how honored I am to have thse amazing people in my life.

This is me before I went underwater. In the white is Elder Hepworth who baptized me and than Elder Mack who has also done so much for me. Both of these guys are amazing men and can't see what amazing things that Heavenly Father has planned for them. They will truly change the lives of many.

April 18th 2010 - Normal Scope

So behind on posting so this is the first post of many coming from me on updates with us. April 18th we went into Nationwide Children's Hospital here in Columbus, Ohio to do a normal scope to make sure that everything else was OK with Austin so we can do his Nissen surgery probably here in June or July. When we went his oxygen level was 94% but not concerning levels and he had a tad bit of a temp. He was coughing a bit more than normal but they said that was fine and proceeded. We found nothing which was amazing. I waited in the waiting room, the doctor came out and said everything was fine and that I'd stay there for a while than go to the recovery room with Austin. 20 minutes later I got told where to go and waited for him in the room. 2 hours had passed and I hadn't heard anything. I was worried and in tears wonder what was going on with my sweet baby boy. He had been gone for more than I thought he would and I worried.

News came to me that they had been trying to take his breathing tube out but his oxygen levels were 85% when he came out of the scope and his fever had broke at 104.5! I was so upset I hadn't been told this before and had been waiting for my sweet baby. So I eventually got to come to see him and he was still on oxygen. We ended up staying at Children's for 5 whole days. Here are some pictures of him in the hospital.

This is Austin before his scope he was so tired by the time it was all done. He was kind of cranky because wasn't allowed to have food.

Here is my little boy on Oxygen. The first one is when he was in the PACU the second is when we went to the GI unit!

                                                 This is Friday when he got off oxygen!!

I want to protect my brother..

Some words I said just to make sure someone feels better. Or sometimes it's spoken because you truly mean what you say. I sometimes will talk to someone and kind of wonder if they are saying truly what they mean. If they make a promise to their child are they going to keep it? If they are saying they are sorry for your loss. Are they truly? 

Today I decided to take a shower when my husband wasn't around which is rare for me. Normally I make sure Alex is around just in case something was to happen. But today I just needed it to wake myself up after a long hard night so I did. Austin was fine and Justin was watching a show so they were well and entertained. After I got out of the shower it was so quiet, I went into our room and look into the pack and play and this is what I find.

I asked my 3  year old what he was doing in his brother's crib he simply said "I want to protect my brother," it left me utterly speechless. He doesn't even know what the true meaning of protection is. My little boy is the big brother to a child who might get picked on in the future. People won't understand a lot of things about Austin and I hope that Justin will be able to educate them. I hope that I can protect both my children from the evils that might be out there. But than my son decided to do something else that made me say 'Aww'

What a sweet moment I was able to capture with my 2 wonderful little boys. I love moment's like this and wanted to share them with my friend, family and the people who read it. I appreciate everything you guys do for me.

Introducing myself a bit better

My name is Amber Doreen Eckstein. I am formally known before marrying Alex as Amber Dent. I never thought I would change my name upon getting married. I was happy with my name no matter how boring it might of sounded together. I'm the daughter of Vince and Irene who taught me some really good lessons. Sometimes I did not listen to it.. Well let me not lie because I never did listen. I heard what they said but decided that it was best for me if I did opposite. I thought I knew better than my parents vast experience on this.

These are the people who made me the person I am today. I know that I'm a hard headed daughter most of the time and I didn't make things easy to say the least but glad that they are here for me. One thing I learned from my dad is how hard working you need to be to achieve what you want. If you do your best you can do anything you want to do with the right state of mind. He came from so little and has so much these days. Not just in objects but with a great family. My mother has taught me that even though we do not get along and clash heads that she is there for me no matter what. If it wasn't for them I don't know what I would do. They are my rocks and if anything went wrong I know that they would have my back. They are awesome parents.

This is my nanny who is so important to me. When I need to talk to someone and just vent about the day she is always there to lend a ear. I don't know what I would do without her. She is so strong and I hope one day that I can be as strong as her. When she lost my grandfather she was so awesome. Not only taking care of him till the minute he passed on from this earth but how strong she was through it all. I hope I can be the caregiver she was to my grandpa. 

This is my grandpa. He is my HERO. He is no longer in this earth but I hope that one day I will be able to see him again. I pray every day that I'm doing good so that he will be proud of me. He was the strongest man I have ever met and I feel like I'm forgetting some of the things he taught me. I know he is watching over me right now and if he seen me crying he'd tell me to stop. But he meant so much to me. I might of not understood what he meant or not listen but he was an amazing grandfather. He not only took care of me but my dad/uncles/aunt. He was the father that they had been lacking for so long. He saved them and my nanny. He does not know how much it means to me what he has done in my life. 

These are my boys. Alex has been my husband for almost 2 years now. We will celebrate 2 years of marriage on May 25th 2012. We've been together for 4.5 years and it's been a challenging past years but at the end we made it through it all. I'm so grateful for him. He has brought me 2 wonderful blessings. Justin who is 3 years old. He is so bright and such a handful at times. He is constantly picking up new things and he is so amazing. I've never seen such a smart little boy. He knows his ABCs, he knows how to put together complex sentences and he's currently learning about praying. He is excited about preschool in 2013, t ball this year and he is such a good big brother. Austin is 17 months old and is our special needs child. You will see me write so much about him and our trials through it all. This up coming weeks will be so busy! 

This is me, Amber Eckstein, and I am 26 years old. I was born in Norway, Maine and because my dad was in the United States Navy we traveled a lot for the first parts of my life. I have 1 brother who is currently serving in the Navy as well. I am so proud of Stephen for always knowing what he wanted from life. He's known this for so long and I envy this. I am not much of a cooker but when I do it's simple things. I wish I was an amazing cook like my parents, especially my mom. I like to play RPG games that are text based, read the book of mormon, and take care of kids. I take care of kids which is amazing because I always wanted to be a big part of it. I go to church through The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Dublin, Ohio through the Worthington Ward. I'm recently converting to the religion and am excited about what god has in store for me. I am an MOD for Cafemom in the Raising Special Needs Kids, Babies Group, Love & Marriage and also Teaching Kids Healthy Habits. I'm an Community Outreach Manager through ColumbusOHMommies.com. I like to volunteer and do different walks/runs for good causes.

Test of Faith

We all get tested throughout our life by god. Whether it be just the small things or the bigger things. The things that may make you think 'why me?'. I've been through this several times especially when it comes to my youngest Austin who suffers from Spastic Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy, Epilepsy, HIE, Lyringo Molasia, Tracia Molasia, and breathing issues. There is so much more but some of them are hard to list. Throughout his 17 months of being a live I have truly experienced tests of god. The lack of sleep, the choices we have to make daily and the news we receive. God chose us for some reason and I still sometimes wonder why he thought I was strong enough to be able to handle this child. This beautiful wonderful child. 

This little boy is the reason for everything I do every single day of my life. I know it sounds like it's only him I wake up for. Or I do not care about my other son. I do. Please do not think that I do not love my son Justin with all my heart. He is such a special little boy and so smart. He's to smart sometimes and always trying to do something. But Austin needs me more than anyone has ever needed me. He made me grow up more than I thought I would. I feel like an old woman sometimes. Each morning I wake up and think of what we got to do. There are things we can't do because Austin. How I would love to go sit in the sun for hours and just relax. But we can't because the heat gets to him. Or how I would love to go swim in the ocean with him. We can't do it because of the type of water could hurt his g tube. 

When I wake up I got to basically prepare myself for the worse of each day so if something was to happen than it's not that huge of a surprise. With him anything could happen and it's time to go to the hospital. I wouldn't ask for another life in a million years. When he smiles or he does something new or we figure out he can sit in a walker with barely any issue it's those days that I cherish more than anything. It might not be his first steps right now. He might behind a lot of my friends but at the end of the day those small moments people take for granted are the ones I live for. I live for this child to smile at me. The choice we make with his medical issues are the reason we were chosen. The things we've heard that put us on our knees praying to god to save our child. 

I remember when the doctor told me over the phone when we were visiting Austin in the NICU what was going on. They weren't 100% his diagnosis but 98% sure after the scans. I remember falling into my father's arms hearing this new. I had to tell the doctor to explain everything to my dad because I was so weak at that very moment. I felt like the world was ending but each and every day that I work with him I know it's only the beginning. Our job is to make him a happy baby. To keep him comfortable no matter how long he is on this earth. To love him more than anyone has loved anything in this world. To give him the time he deserves on this earth no matter how long that might be. 

I had a hard choice for the past 9+ months on a surgery that we've been hoping we never had to have to make him stop throwing up but ended up we are going to have it now. We got to go the 18th to get a scope done and than the 19th we take the surgeon about the surgery. So all in all we are going to do this. I pray every day that my little boy will be able to make it through another surgery. Another surgery that will make his life so much better at the end. He will be able to gain more weight and not be throwing up constantly. The doctors at children's hospital here in Columbus, Ohio are my best friends but my worst enemies. They've saved my son so many times but I feel like I'm so dependent on them. I do not want to be dependent on anyone but myself! 

But god knows that I am the mother for this child. The 3-4 hours of sleep at night. The constant people telling me this is how it's going to be. How my child will be. He won't walk, talk, crawl. But you know what? At the end of the day they might have a good education but they are not god. They are not the true guy I turn to when things are hard. Our lord is the one that I turn to more than anyone. He is the one person besides myself I can depend on. Because our Heavenly Father would not give us more than we could handle. He gave me this child because he loves me so much. He wanted me to know what true love was through my children. He wanted me to be able to take care of these kids and teach them that life is not what some may think it is but to think outside of the box when it comes to things. He gave Justin this amazing little brother to look at things differently. To be compassionate of others. To not allow people to look at you differently because you may be different than they. 

God placed Austin in our lives to open our eyes wide. Austin is the most precious baby that I have ever met. So sweet. So little. So fragile but so strong at the same time. He's my little super man. He is my prince charming. Justin and Austin have made me the mother I am today. I have learned so much from my parents throughout the years and so glad that they taught me so well because of them I am able to be here today as strong as I am.

Thank you for reading.

Jesus Take the Wheel

So give me one more chance. Save me from this road I'm on. Jesus, take the wheel. - Jesus Take the Wheel sung by Carrie Underwood.

I wish I had really understood what that meant years ago when I had truly lost my way. I wish I would of truly found god's way. But god tests us everyday and I think I needed to go through the things I had gone through to make me the person I am today. I have experienced so many things throughout the years I've been a live and some people may not know every thing that I've been through so you can judge me if you wish but I will not judge you. It's not my place. It's gods.

A long time ago I had fallen into drugs and alcohol it's times I am not proud of at all. I wish I had never been through those stages of sorrow and been through the pain that had caused me. But I experienced it. It's made me a tougher person. I have been in love exactly two times in my life. I am so glad that I was able to experience these feelings with two wonderful men and I got to marry the guy of my dreams. Love though can be very destructive and hurtful. If you want to harm the person or do anything in your power to get their attention no matter what the circumstances are that is not a good love. If you have to do everything in your power just in the chance you might get their love. An inch of time with them than it's wrong. I've experienced both bad love and good love.

I had loved someone so much I would of done anything for this guy. I had for years sought the attention from him no matter what the form of it was. Negative or positive. Mostly negative is what I received. We dragged each other on. Hurt each other. Made each other wildly jealous. Ran to each other when no buddy else was there for us. I hurt this person a lot and he hurt me so much as well. I wish it would of worked out for the best but at the end of the day god's plan wasn't meant for us to be together. We clashed to much or loved each other so much we didn't want to change our ways. So stubborn to see what was in front of us. Never wanting to change who we were. And some people change but others do not. Some people are so set in their ways that you can't teach an old dog new tricks as they say.

Now with the love that I have with my husband it's so pure. There are times where we have had issues just like any couple and we had separated when Austin was born to work on our relationship. We had been stubborn and wanted things a certain way but we had to compromise to be able to do what was best for our family. What was best for our boys was us working through it  all because we love each other so much that it hurts thinking of being away from one another. It hurts me to think if there would be a day that I could not spend with my husband. I do not care if we are broke. If we are homeless or whatever the circumstances. If we are together as a family that's what matters to us. I have never loved someone so much in my life. He has accepted me with my flaws and for who I am. He has done everything in his power to make the kids and I happy. And never asked for anything in return (even though he has received so much from us!)

He is the kind of guy who constantly is asking me if I need something. Or buying me reeses because he knows they are my favorite and I would eat them all day if I could. He is always working for his family. Even though I went to school and got my degree and haven't been able to use it yet. And he has been working. We find time for each other. If it's only for 5 minutes like it's been than that's fine with us. We enjoy the moments together. DO not get me wrong we still get mad at one another. We go on lack of sleep most nights and we are only human by all means. Even though he is not becoming mormon he is supportive of my wishes and want the kids to get involved too. I wish one day he will find that the word of Christ is true and that he will follow me to the church as well but until that time comes I will pray.

So Jesus take the wheel and show me what is next for our family. I know I have sinned in my life but I know that God is a forgiving Father and with your guidance I will truly find the way that is meant for me.

Figuring it all out

For 3 years I have gone to many of churches and prayed hard about what I was going to do about a religion. I knew how important it was to me. I was raised in a church and thought it was awesome to go every Sunday and the activities and families that came with church. I had fun but as an adult I knew my expectations were a lot more because I knew there was something that I was looking for. A truth about god. I didn't know what religion was going to be perfect for me but I was baptisted a baptist and raised in baptist churches. I only knew 2 things growing up in those churches.

If you are bad you go to hell
If you are good you go to heaven
THE END

What a boring existance that is. If you do not believe in god when you are on this earth that means you get to go hell and burn with the devil. You have no way of repenting. Because let's face it. If you say 2 minutes before you die 'Lord Forgive me' do you think that you will be truly forgiven. Or is that what we believe because we have been told that? If you murdered people and cared less for your whole sentence you were forgiven on your death bed.

I truly believe that we were in the spirit world with god and he decided that we knew all we could know so he wanted us like him to have skin. To live in a human body so he gives us to someone and we are born. Through our lives we are on a mission to remember what we had lost. To follow Jesus Christ and find him. To follow the word of Jesus Christ. And when we die we are the same person we were before if we know the word is true or not. You do get a second chance! When you are waiting to either go to Paradise or Prison you get one more chance to hear the word of God. You get to hear how awesome he is. You get to choose your fate!

Wouldn't you rather be in paradise. I can only imagine what paradise would look like. And than eventually you will be able to go to the Colestrial Kingdom. How wonderful would it be to reunited with God? How glorious would that be to be able to be in his arms again. To be with our heaven father. I do not believe that it's all clouds and sunshine. Harps with little angel babies flying around half naked. We shall see what it has in store with us. So follow me in my quest to learn more. Not only about myself, my family, and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We will speak about everything going on in my family as well. So if you would like updates on us it's where you need to be.